Dedicated To Cruelty

Game 5 Twitter: the Zombie Edition

2008-10-17T10:15:00.008-04:00

By all rational measure, the Sox were dead, done and finished last night. Their postseason was floundering more than the John McCain campaign. There was a greater probability of the reanimated corpse of John Lennon joining Peter Gammons on stage at Hot Stove Cool Music for a "Yellow Submarine" sing-a-long then there was the Sox erasing a seven run deficit.

But slowly but surely, the Sox cut into the lead, largely due to some much-needed clutch two-out hits. And when Mr. Roboto sealed the deal in the bottom of the ninth with a double-scored-single to knock in Youkilis, the collective heads of Sox fans around New England imploded. Unfracking believable.

Despite the obvious parallels to the comebacks of 2004 and 2007, I am still pessimistic about this series. The thought of a hobbled Captain Kickass taking the mound on Saturday gives me shivers. But at least the Sox did not get swept at home. At least the Rays do not get the chance to celebrate at Fenway. At least the TBS announcers, who had waxed rhapsodically about the Rays' defense, had to eat a plate of crow pie after Longoria's ill-timed error. Other thoughts:

- What was Joe the Manager thinking? Leaving the right handed Grant Balfour in to face Big Papi. Walking Jason Bay to get to J.D. Drew, a lefty who is 4-7 lifetime against your lefty pitcher J.P. Howell. The TBS sycophants called this an "unconventional move." I call it incredibly, jaw-droppingly stuuuuuuuuupid.

- I am on record as an opponent of the phrase "Red Sox Nation" and all the silly chest puffing associated with it. But how could you not watch last night's game and take a deep sense of pride in Sox fans? Despite the large deficit, most fans remained in the stands and the faithful were pretty much on their feet from the seventh inning on. For all the usual complaints about fair weathers and pink hats, that was dedication. Can we all just agree, however, to keep our shirts on?

- Speaking of managerial moves, a lot of people are praising Francona's decision to bring out Papelbon early in the game. Its great to see managers not leave arrows in their quivers, but why isn't this an accepted move outside of the postseason?

- The Sox comeback was the largest in postseason history, surpassing a mark set in Game 4 of the 1929 World Series. Seems like its becoming more like 1929 every day.

- Can you believe Masterson has appeared in seven of the Sox eight postseason games? Even more impressive, can you believe he's given up only 2 ER in 8.2 IP of work?

- Good news: more baseball. Bad news: its back to the Arm Pit and its cowbells, mohawks, and flying vajayjays.

Random Rant: Novelty Fans

2008-10-13T09:38:00.001-04:00

I have written on this before. But in light of the first two ALCS games at the Arm Pit, I wanted to reiterate my hatred for the fact that teams are now passing out novelty items to spur their "fans" to do the things real fans do every time they come to the ballpark - make noise on behalf of their team.

The madness has to stop. Unless you are rassling livestock in between innings, there is no reason to bring a cowbell to the stadium. Unless you are planning to pray to Ojibe the Rain Spirit during pitching changes, you should leave your thundersticks in the car. And no matter how terrible you think it makes you, nobody is at all intimidated just because you are waiving around a white dish towel.

If you want to spur on your team, clap the meaty thundersticks God gave you. If you want to convey your dedication, open your mouth and make some noise with the fleshy cowbell in the back of your throat. If you want to strike terror in your opponents, get on your feet and root root root for the home team.

Real baseball fans do not need gimmicks. They do not need to be prompted by sketches on the jumbotron. They do not need to be lured to the ballpark by promises of aquatic animals or air conditioning. They do not need to be urged to their feet by a deadbeat in a blue afro. Real fans are willing to brave freezing temperatures and beer soaked bleachers because they love their team.

Patriots Week 6 Twitter: the Paper Tiger Edition

2008-10-12T23:09:00.009-04:00

The Patriots look bad. Three weeks ago, it was still to early to pass judgement, and last week's win against the hapless 49ers papered over many glaring deficiencies. But now there can be no dispute, the Patriots are a mediocre team, capable of beating the schlubs of the NFL but utterly impotent against the big boys. There was a reason they were the lowest ranked one-loss team in Football Outsiders DVOA rankings going into this week. Other thoughts:

- There can be no doubt that Cassel made a number of fundamental mistakes tonight - under throwing a wide open Randy Moss in the first quarter, missing a wide open Ben Watson in the endzone in the second, tossing an ill advised screen pass for an interception in the third. His passes look wobbly. He appears uncomfortable in the pocket. He seems incapable of throwing to receivers running medium or deep patterns. At best, Cassel is a work in progress; at worst, he is a disaster.

- Cassel is not the only one to blame, of course. Anytime the defense spots your opponent 30 points, you are probably going to lose. Deltha O'Neal earns obvious "goat of the game"™ honors for being burnt twice for long gainers, but the Patriots defensive line deserves equal blame. You line up in the 4-3 and you are unable to stop the run or record a single sack?

- Should I be inspired or depressed that Cassel had more rushing yards Sammy Morris?

- I cannot wait to read the speculation about what Josh McDaniels and Bill Belichick were jawing about prior to halftime. Perhaps Daniels was asking whether Cialis or Viagra would better rehabilitate the Patriots limp and sagging offense.

- Should I be inspired or depressed that Morris had more receiving yards than Randy Moss?

- At least Brady's surgery went well.

ALCS Games 1 & 2: Dice-K giveth, Beckett taketh away

2008-10-12T17:04:00.007-04:00

All things being said, splitting the first two games of the ALCS is a good thing. The Sox managed to steal a game on the road in a hostile environment. Now they come back to Fenway with a good chance to put the Rays on the ropes. Dice-K is pitching well. Our ace is set up for Game Three. Youkilis, Bay and Pedroia have been offensive juggernauts. So really, everything is fine. The Sox are in control. I will remain positive. I must remain positive. I couldn't have asked for anything more...

...oh screw this! Game Two was a missed opportunity. Not in the sense that the Sox had any business winning that mess, but because it was a game that may well come back to haunt the Sox. It was a game that has changed the complexion of this series and left a massive pit in the bottom of my stomach. Random gripes:

- First off, why was an injury hobbled Beckett even pitching in this game? He looked terrible in the ALDS. Not to mention, Lester was rested enough and could have gotten the start. This would have had the added bonus of setting Lester up for Game Six. Now, we'll be lucky if we see Lester twice in this series.

- Second, why did Francona send the ailing Beckett back out in the bottom of the fifth inning after the Sox had just reclaimed the lead? Even more puzzling, why did he stick with an erratic Beckett after Carlos Peña singled to tie the game? It was clear to everyone that Beckett's fastball lacked velocity and his breaking pitches lacked that important thing called break.

- Third, why was Francona playing wheel of relievers early in the game, leaving the Sox with few options late in the game? Delcarmen, Okajima and Masterson all pitched well, they just did so over the course of a miserly 3.1 innings.

- Fourth, why Timlin? Sure it was the bottom of the Ray's order, but its not like the Sox were out of options. A healthy, reliable inning-eating relief pitcher was busy waiting on the bench.

ALDS Game 4 Twitters

2008-10-08T16:45:00.004-04:00

After losing a close game they had no business being in, the Sox storm back to win a game that had no business being this close. There is so much to talk about here: the fact that Jay Bay is the unofficial ALDS MVP going 7-17 with two doubles, two homers and 5 RBIs. The fact that youngsters like Tacoby and Jed Lowrie are playing solid October baseball. The fact that the Sox advance to the ALCS to play hated division rivals the Tampa Bay Devil "Regress to the ALCS" Rays.

But I want to talk about something else (and I warn you, its a bit of a rant). Here goes:

Mike Scioscia - you suck. You suck because you are constantly complaining to the umpires about ball and strikes. You suck because you went Chad Johnson on us and guaranteed a victory in game four. But you especially suck for calling a squeeze play with one out and a runner on third in the ninth inning of a deciding postseason baseball game.

Why in the world you asked Erick Aybar to attempt a squeeze is beyond me. It was a bonehead call. Its a strategic decision of such Herculean stupidity it makes Pearl Harbor and Hitler's invasion of the Soviet Union look like strokes of genius.

I have seen the arguments for the squeeze. Aybar has had nine bunt singles this season. Squeeze plays succeed eighty five percent of the time. If it works, you have a decent probability of winning the game.

But there was simply no reason to make that call in this situation. Its true that Aybar is not a sacrifice fly type hitter, but why not go to your bench? It is true that you can expect a decent pitch to bunt with a 2-0 count, but you also have a good chance to draw a walk and bring up the top of your order with two on and only one out. More importantly, everyone has touted your bullpen as the superior group of arms. Why force the issue when extra innings favors your side?

Perhaps you bought into your own myth about how you were a "small ball team" that likes to "manufacture runs," despite the fact that you were sixth in the AL in sacrifice hits, sixth in sacrifice flies and had only nine more steals than the Sox. Perhaps you sold yourself on the idea that if this crazy plan worked, you would be hailed as a risk-taking genius by the sycophantic myrmidons at TBS and not the lead-headed manager that is 5-15 in postseason baseball.

The worst part of all of this is after Willits was tagged out, rather than accept your Dusty Bakerian ineptitude, you charged up from the dugout to whine and complain. Much like the entire Angels team after this series. Congratulations Mike Scioscia - you have managed to turn the Angels into "the Atlanta Braves for a new generation."

ALDS Game 3 Twitters: the Insomniatic, Overcaffeinated Edition

2008-10-06T14:09:00.007-04:00

Despite the fact that the Sox had no business being in this game, the loss was still a heartbreaker. Beckett was not one-hundred percent, barely managing to get out of the top of the first before eventually surrendering 4 earned runs in 5 innings.

On the offensive side of things, Mike Lowell remains hobbled. He went 0-4 last night and is without a hit in the series. Speaking of offensive bermuda triangles, what is up with Dustin Pedroia? Mighty Mouse was 0-5 last night, often in situations where we needed his bat the most. He left 4 on base. Other random thoughts:

- Ellsbury becomes the first player in postseason history to get a 3-RBI single on a bizarre play that by all rights should have been ruled a error on Torii Hunter.

- On the "lets hope this trend continues" front, the Angles managed to get 16 hits but score only 5 runs. They left a whopping 25 men on base. Even the DMV is more efficient than this team.

- First Patriots fans are booing Matt Cassel, now Sox fans are reportedly booing Julio Lugo? Granted Julio is not exactly beloved, either for his glovework, his anemic offense or his spousal abuse record. But this was not the time to vent one's frustrations at Señor Automatic Out.

- We finally get a game with an early start, and it drags on so long it literally breaks my TiVo. What is it about the postseason at Fenway that requires the game to last 5+ hours?

- My crush on Amalie Benjamin knows no bounds, but did she have to write: "As for Beckett, it was as if some imposter - related to Daisuke Matsuzaka perhaps - had invaded his body from the start." Thanks Amalie for putting the voodoo jinx on our potential Game Five starter!

- Where in the world is Manny Delcarmen? He's pitching 1.2 innings of 1 hit relief. In fact, the bullpen stalwarts all pitched effectively, we just ran out of them.

ALDS Game 2 Twitter

2008-10-04T09:33:00.006-04:00

J.D. Drew has weathered a lot of criticism in the two years since the Sox acquired him. The chattering classes claimed he was underperforming, that he lacked focus, that he was only in it for the money. Radio blowhards and casual fans accused him of not playing with heart. Even after his grand salami in Game Six of the 2007 ALCS, Drew remained the object of suspicion and scorn.

So I watched with great satisfaction last night as Mr. Roboto lit up the game, going 3-5 with a double, a couple of nifty plays in right, and of course, the 2-run shot off K-Rod to seal the victory over the Los Angeles Suburbanites of Disneyland. Here is a guy who has been hobbled with back pain, who had to take not one but two epidurals just to be pain free enough to even take the field. If that isn't an obvious sign of cardiovascular fortitude, then I don't know what is. Other random thoughts:

- Once again, Jason Bay refuses to wilt under the spotlight. Bay went 3-5 with another home run and 3 RBIs. How quickly do you think it will take the media to change its tune to how Bay was "hungry for the postseason" and is a "man on a mission"?

- Acknowledging my obvious biases, I think Coco got back to the bag safely on that pickoff attempt. I have to admit, however, that Erick "Eric" Aybar does dance a nice protest jig.

- You have to admire Torii "Tory" Hunter's enthusiasm, but injuring yourself jumping around after getting thrown out at first puts you in company with bastions of stability like Milton Bradley.

- By the way, did you know that Jason Varitek uses this magical glove sewn from the webbing of enchanted platypus feet? I didn't, until Buck Martinez wouldn't stop talking about the damn thing.

- Once again, as predicted, Angels not named Teixeira, Guerrero or Hunter vanished going a collective 3-20.

- Tito's decision to stick with Masterson was a bit mysterious. Justin didn't exactly appear to have his command down, giving up two walks in the seventh. Joy of Sox asks a good question: where in the world is Manny Delcarmen?

- Despite two effective and efficient innings, Papelbon is officially credited with a blown save. Meanwhile, all-time single season save record holder Francisco "The Less Douchy Hyphen-Rod" Rodriguez implodes. Yet another reason why saves is a useless measure of quality.

- Is Pedroia's nickname really "Caballito" - the Thoroughbred of Sin?

- Major league baseball should ban thundersticks. If your fans cannot get excited enough to make noise with the meaty, fleshy thundersticks that God gave them, then they don't deserve to watch baseball. Maybe in Japan, where everything is a bit crazy, zany props and inflatable noisemakers are acceptable, but not here in America.

Obligatory Non-Sports Veep Debate Post

2008-10-02T17:54:00.003-04:00

John McCain preps Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidential Debate:

"I am your drill thrall. I will train you well."

ALDS Game 1 Twitters

2008-10-02T10:56:00.006-04:00

After five tense innings, the Sox claw back for a satisfying win. Lester was fantastic, but what more can you say about Tacoby Ellsbury? 3-5 with a double, two stolen bases, and a dazzling catch. There is just something about this guy and October. Maybe he is stealing sips from Beckett's Kool-Aid? Some other thoughts:

- Apparently, Jason Bay didn't get the sportswriter memo that because of his lack of postseason experience he was suddenly supposed to wilt like a delicate flower.

- Am I the only one who is amazed that Frank TV is still on the air? Can we please put this guy down already?

- The TBS tandem of Caray and Martinez were not nearly as annoying as I had anticipated (although Joe Posnanski caught this gem). However, "back, track, wall, gone!" is a bit of a lame home run call.

- Early on, Jon Lester didn't appear to be locating well when he went inside with his two seam fastball. The Angels' hitters did him a lot of favors by hacking at that pitch.

- Should I be nervous that Drew and Lowell were a collective 0-8 or should I be happy that they are relatively pain-free?

- Craig Sager is an embarrassment. (KG agrees!)

- The Angels lack of offense from anyone outside of the 2-5 spots was abundantly evident tonight. Players not named Anderson, Teixeira, Guerrero or Hunter were a collective 0-20 last night.

- How much fun was that strike-out non-call? Lester pitches a sweeping 2-strike curve ball right over the heart of the plate, prompting both Lester and Anderson back towards their respective dugouts until they realized Tim Welke had called it a ball.

- I love Vlad Guerrero. I love watching him teeing off on first pitch balls in the dirt. I love the sight of him lunging at fastballs three feet off the plate. I love it when he runs through stop signs on his way to third. Seriously, I just love watching this guy play. No really.

Angels-Sox Playoff Preview

2008-09-30T17:18:00.011-04:00

On paper, the Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Angels of In-N-Out look evenly matched. Both boast solid pitching staffs - Boston had a 1.33 WHIP this season compared to 1.32 WHIP for the Rally Monkeys. Both field a lineup filled with some devastating power hitters whether its Torii Hunter (112 OPS+), Mark Teixeira (153 OPS+) and Vladimir Guerrero (131 OPS+) for the LA Smogs or Ortiz (125 OPS+), Youkilis (145 OPS+) and Mighty Mouse (123 OPS+) for the Sox. In the regular season, the 405s crushed the Turnpikes, winning 8-of-9 matchups. On to the specifics:

Batting

By the numbers, the Sox have the better offense (.805 OPS compared to .743 OPS), but there are a lot of uncertainties about the Sox lineup. Mike Lowell (105 OPS+) and JD Drew (139 OPS+) are both struggling with minor injuries but hope to play. Jason Bay (129 OPS+) has been great down the stretch, but as the chattering classes can't help but point out, he has no postseason experience.

Teixeira was a great pickup, but the Angels are not a particularly deep lineup. Nobody is going to be quaking over the bats of Chone "Shawn" Figgins and Erick "Eric" Aybar. By comparison, Sox role players such as Lowrie, Crisp and Ellsbury have all had more productive years.

Pitching

The Angels can take solace in the fact that they have one of the more dangerous rotations in baseball. Game One will feature the Battle of the Jo(h)ns with Lackey (116 ERA+, 1.231 WHIP) facing Lester (143 ERA+, 1.274 WHIP). Lackey has had past difficulties with the playoff Sox, and he has been fading down the stretching giving up 19 earned runs in his last four starts.

Game Two features a matchup between The Other Santana (125 ERA+, 1.119 WHIP) and Daisuke "The Magician" Matsuzaka (158 ERA+, 1.324 WHIP). Dice-K has been keeping his walks down as of late and (oddly enough) pitches better on the road.

Game Three features Joe Saunders (128 ERA+, 1.212 WHIP) against Josh Beckett (114 ERA+, 1.187 WHIP), who has been sending oblique signals (he he) about his possible abdomen strain. As we all know, Beckett has "October" tattooed on his backside; he has the fourth lowest postseason WHIP of all-time at 0.750.

One of the marquee matchups is the dueling closers, Francisco "The Less Douchy Hyphen-Rod" Rodriguez (195 ERA+, 1.288 WHIP) and Jonathan Papelbon (196 ERA+, 0.952 WHIP). Both are dominant at their position. Some crazy folks have even suggested K-Rod win the MVP. If all else fails, these two can have a "sprint off the mound and assume bizarre celebratory poses" competition.

A lot of people are making a lot of hay about the fact that the Angels won 100 games. Yet as King Kaufman has pointed out, since the 1998 Yankees, none of 13 teams that won 100 or more games has gone on to clinch the championship and only three have made it to the series. Let me also point out that while 100 wins is impressive, its less awe inspiring when you realize that the Angels play the Rangers, A's and Mariners nineteen times apiece.

In any event, the series should be close. It should be well pitched and low scoring. I agree that it will go the limit. I will take the Sox in five.

Honorary Non-Sports, Presidential Debate Post

2008-09-26T14:33:00.005-04:00

Sarah Palin keeps watch to make sure Putin does not rear his head.

"WOLVERINES!"

BREAKING NEWS: Papelbon Ascends Back to his Home Planet!

2008-09-24T14:06:00.005-04:00

FENWAY PARK, BOSTON MA - In a shocking turn of events, Boston closer Jonathan Papelbon chose the celebration following last night's playoff clinching win over the Cleveland Indians as the time to announce his sudden return to his distant home world.

"My fellow Bots need me," the enigmatic Red Sox pitcher said via one of his speaking antennae. "I cannot go into the details, but let me be clear - I will not allow the Papelhive to be threatened by the evil forces of the Imperium."

While Papelbon's decision took many of his teammates by surprise, they were supportive of his decision. "We all understand what he's going through," said team captain Jason Varitek. "When your Adromidean sea slugs are threatened, its not time to focus on baseball."

J.D. Drew addressed the matter directly - "when the Galactic Queen Eliumphiartus calls, you go."

Jeter for VP?

2008-09-24T09:07:00.010-04:00

Joe Posnanski asks a great question: is Derek Jeter the Sarah Palin of baseball? Like Palin, he's a real cutie. Like Palin, he is beloved by the media. Like Palin, he doesn't really do his job well, but he does it with a lot of style and manages to overshadow his more talented rivals. And given his participation in the World Baseball classic, even Derek Jeter has more foreign policy experience than Sarah Palin. McCain-Jeter '08!

In related news, after an amazing run of consecutive appearances, the Yankees are going to miss the playoffs. To put it in context, the last time the Yankees didn't make the playoffs, the number one song in the nation was Boyz II Men "I'll Make Love to You."

Speaking of closing your eyes and making a wish, the Red Sox clinched a playoff birth last night. Aside from the Sox and Yankees, teams that have won the world series over the last decade have had a hard time making it back to October. The Cards, Chi Sox, Marlins and Angels all wilted in the years following their series victories. So whatever happens over the next few weeks, Sox fans should savor the extra baseball.

Game 3 Twitter: the Dink and Dunk Edition

2008-09-22T08:27:00.006-04:00

So this is what it feels like to be steamrolled by a superior team. Some are calling this game an "upset," but that is very generous to our squad and a little too dismissive to the Dolphins. Miami controlled this game from start to finish, on both sides of the ball, in every way possible. It was more painful to watch than that "Laugh In" bit on the Emmys. Other random thoughts:

- I am on record as a big Cassel fan, but screen passes to Wes Welker and quick outs to Randy Moss are just not going to do the job. The Patriots had only one play in the first half that went for more than twenty yards, and that was the "should have been intercepted until a chorus of angels guided the ball into Welker's outstretched hands" play.

- Have you heard of this new restaurant called the CBS Scene®? I hear they offer a revolutionary dining and sports experience.

- Has protecting the QB has gone too far? Miami is awarded an "in the grass" sack in the first quarter despite the fact that the replay showed the Dolphin's defensive lineman had a negligible grip on Cassel. Later in the game, however, the Patriots benefited from the quarterback protection obsession when a Matt Cassel interception was negated by a bogus Vonnie Holliday roughing the passer penalty.

- I can't believe E*Trade is still running their "so easy a baby can do it" ads. So easy, you can lose your life savings!

- For all the ire being directed towards Cassel, what was up with our defense making Ronnie Brown look like the second coming of Walter Payton? And why were we burned not once but three times on gadget plays involving Pennington lining up as a wide receiver? Is this a college football scrimmage?

- Memo to all of the Patriots "fans" who were flooding out of Gillette with 13:28 left in the fourth quarter - you are the reason the rest of the world hates us, you fairweather jackasses.

NFL Week 3: The Toilet Bowl Edition

2008-09-20T10:56:00.003-04:00

The Patriots look to go 3-0 this Sunday against the hapless Dolphins. Rather than focusing on the usual Belichick oddities - like the fact that Laurence Maroney is listed both on the injury report and the starting lineup (!) - I am going to engage in the inevitable game of "which lousy team do you think will stumble into the playoffs only to get hammered in the wildcard round."

Let's start with some history. Since 2000, only six teams have started 0-2 and made the playoffs. Two of these teams - the 2007 Giants and the 2001 Patriots - went on to win the Superbowl. Huzzah for parity!

More generally, a number of teams have had disastrous starts but managed to recover. The 2005 Bears started the season 1-4 before putting together a string of wins to finish the season 11-5. The 2004 Patriots similarly started 1-4 before scraping in as a wildcard with a 10-6 record.

And who can forget the 2002 season where two teams - the Jets and the Titans - opened with 1-4 records before sneaking into the playoffs. In fact, the 2002 playoffs were notable for having a whole slew of slow starters make the cut, including the Falcons and Steelers, both of whom opened 0-2 but managed to squeak into the divisional rounds.

You have to go back to 1998, however, to find a team that started 0-3 and still made it to the postseason scrum. So what does that mean for the 0-2 Dolphins, Browns, Bengals, Seahawks, Jaguars, Chargers and Chiefs? Who is most likely to put together a streak and make the playoffs?

The trendy pick is the Chargers, who were supposedly robbed by bad officiating. At the same time, San Diego gave up a franchise worst 34 first downs to the Broncos last Sunday. This season, their defense has been laughable surrendering 6.1 yards per play.

Minnesota is another team that gets the occasional mention. The Vikings certainly have an impressive ground game - they outrushed Indianapolis 180-25 last week. But Adrian Peterson is questionable with a bum knee, and Tarvaris Jackson is being replaced by journeyman QB Gus "Old Faithful" Frerotte.

My sleeper pick is Seattle. Last week's overtime loss to the 49ers was pretty fluky. The Seahawks play the putrescent Rams this week, so chalk up at least one win. It also goes without saying that the NFC West is a weak division. The Cardinals are on top, but have taken advantage of some pathetic opponents and two atypical outings by veteran Kurt "The Greatest Early Bird Special on Turf" Warner. If anyone can claw their way into the postseason, it's the Seahawks.

Where does that leave the Patriots? Well, between 1990-2005, teams that started 3-0 made the playoffs 76 percent of the time.

Patriots Game 2 Twitter

2008-09-15T09:20:00.005-04:00

Patriots slog out a satisfying win against the team the chattering classes and greying blue jeans wearers had picked to win the AFC East. More thoughts:

- Matt Cassel starts his first football game since humans wrestled saber-toothed tigers and skinned wooly mammoths . And he was solidly efficient, completing 16 of 23 for 165 yards with no interceptions.

- The Geriatric Gunslinger had comparable numbers, with the exception of one of his signature game-changing interceptions.

- Although he only racked up 65 yards, LaMont Jordan looked fantastic. Compared to Laurence Maroney, who does more tiptoeing at the line of scrimmage than Fred Astaire, Jordan's straight-ahead, run-over-fools style was refreshing.

- Adalius Thomas is not content with sacking just one man. When he throws old men to the turf, he does so in bunches.

- Jerod Mayo plays a solid game with seven tackles. Can we please now bury the phrase "aging linebacker corps"?

- Not only did Gostkowski kick four field goals, he also launched five kickoffs into the Jets end zone for touchbacks. Is it too early to start saying Steve for MVP?

"I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the field turf..."

2008-09-14T11:36:00.002-04:00

What does the almighty have against the ACLs of current and former Patriots? All I know is that if I were Romeo Crennel, I would cancel my planned appearance in the X-Games freestyle dirt bike competition...

The Brady-pocalypse

2008-09-10T09:16:00.008-04:00

Ask any doctor who performs surgeries on torn ACLs and they will tell you that the knee is essentially like a plate overcooked spaghetti wrapped in tissue paper. In other words, its a flimsy tasty meal.

Its not surprising then, that knee injuries are a plague on the NFL. Of course, we've all heard of Tom Brady. More on that in a moment. But did you know that Jacksonville's Vince Manuwai, Arizona's Al Johnson, San Diego's Shawne Merriman, and Seattle's Nate Burleson, and all went down to season ending knee injuries last week?

At this rate, 85 NFL players will suffer ligament tears and rips over the course of the season. Note to parents everywhere - encourage your kids to become doctors not interior linemen.

Returning to Brady, this is obviously bad for the Patriots. They are not the same team without Brady under center. Whatever happens, Brady will always be my QB in tight pants. But how bad of a blow this is to the 2008 season depends on a whole bunch of things - things like "the system" and "Belichick's genius" and "Matt Cassel", who you may have heard the first ten thousand times it was mentioned "hasn't started a meaningful football game since high school."

Lost in all the fury is the fact that the Patriots still have Randy Moss and Wes Welker. They still have pro-bowlers Matt Light, Logan Mankins, and Dan Koppen on the offensive line. They still have the easiest schedule in the NFL. They still were eighth in league last week in terms of Football Outsiders defense-adjusted value over average.

And I am still not sold on the alternatives in the AFC East. The New York media is high on the Jets simply because Brett "The Geriatric Gunslinger" Farve threw two dangerous wild heaves up into the air that just happened to be caught for improbable touchdowns. And the Jets still almost lost, to the hapless Dolphins.

What about the AFC writ large? The Colts, Chargers, and Jaguars all looked terrible. The Steelers are a flashy pick after their manhandling of the Texans. But I would make two observations: (1) they beat the Texans who play like my grandmother in pads and (2) the Steelers still have the toughest schedule in the league - they have to face twelve teams with winning records including eight former playoff teams. The season is young.

American's love their sports heros, but in the end, football is largely a team sport. You put any average quarterback behind an offensive line full of pro-bowlers and give him a plethora of pro-bowl targets at wide receiver and they are going to look a heck of a lot better.

And as Cold, Hard Football Facts pointed out, a number of teams have rebounded from a devastating injury to their franchise quarterback. Teams like the 1999 Rams or the 2001 Patriots. Remember those guys? I think they won a shiny phallus with a silver plated football on top.

Bottom line: expect a slide, but the Patriots season is not turning and turning in the widening gyre.

Battle Royal: Sox and Rays

2008-09-09T09:32:00.010-04:00

For some time now, I have been predicting that the Rays would regress to the mean. It just made sense. The Rays were fourth in the AL East in runs scored. Third in the AL East in run differential. Their Pythagorean W-L had them at 79-62, a full six games worse than their actual record. But despite the odds (and the evil machinations of Dr. Stat), the Rays kept winning.

Typically, sportswriters chalk up these aberrations to the familiar intangibles - things like grit, heart, hustle, brains, gumption, or clubhouse chemistry. If sportswriters are in an especially pandering mood, they might even praise then loyal fan (given that the Rays have the third worst home attendance in the AL, this theory is somewhat suspect in this case).

Here is my attempt to uncover the mystery to the Rays and get a sense of where thing stand going forward, especially as the race is tightening:

Pitching

The Rays have the second best ERA in the AL, largely because of the dominance starting pitcher Scott Kazmir (144 ERA+) and a terrific bullpen.

In addition to Kazmir, the Rays have also taken advantage a solid contributions from Matt Garza (121 ERA+) and James Shields (118 ERA+). After these three, however, the Rays staff becomes decidedly mediocre with Edwin Jackson (106 ERA+), Andy Sonnanstine (92 ERA+) and Jason Hammel (92 ERA+) cycling in and out at the bottom of the rotation.

Of course by comparison, the Sox starting pitching is not necessarily in the best of shape. After Matsuzaka (157 ERA+) and Lester (134 ERA+), there is a fairly big drop off to Wakefield (110 ERA+) and Beckett (108 ERA+), both of whom have struggled with injuries. And the Boston fifth starter remains a carousel. The Buchholz Experiment went poorly, and while Paul Byrd has been solid in his first few starts, its too early to tell whether he can keep up this consistency.

Where the Rays really stand out is their bullpen Although closer Troy Percival (88 ERA+) has been an inconsistent injury magnet, the Rays have had great contributions from Dan Wheeler (173 ERA+) and JP Howell (170 ERA+). The true star of the Rays pen, however, has been Grant Balfour (253 ERA+), who in 47.7 innings pitched has allowed just 9 earned runs with 70 SOs to just 21 BB.

By contrast, Papelbon has been his usual dominant self (273 ERA+). After Lopez (166 ERA+) and a resurgent Okajima (154 ERA+), the Sox enter the realm of average with Delcarmen (117 ERA+) and Aaaaaaaaaardsma (108 ERA+).

So in terms of pitching, I think this is more or less a push with a slight edge to the Rays. Both teams have a solid top of the rotation, with Tampa Bay having a bit more depth in the three through five slots. If games are high scoring and the bullpens are featured prominently, then I would nod to Joe Maddon's bunch. But in close squeakers, like last night, I think the Sox have the edge.

Position Players

No one is going to mistake the Rays for an offensive juggernaut. They are seventh in the AL in OPS, and despite their great record at Tropicana Field, they are ninth in the AL in runs per game at home.

The Rays have had solid contributions from first baseman Carlos Pena (128 OPS+) and all star third baseman Evan Longoria (133 OPS+), as well as DH Cliff Floyd (121 OPS+). But there are definitely black holes of suckiness in their line up, including second baseman Iwamura (96 OPS+), shortstop Bartlett (79 OPS+), as well as the recently injured Carl Crawford (91 OPS+).

There is also a large dash of medicority. Centerfielder BJ Upton (111 OPS+) has shown a lot of speed with forty two stolen bases and utility outfielders Eric Hinske (114 OPS+) and Gabe Gross (114 OPS+) have been consistent, but this is surely not a lineup to be feared.

By comparison, the Sox have five players boasting an OPS+ over 120 including Youkilis (142 OPS+), Pedroia (126 OPS+), Bay (125 OPS+), Drew (140 OPS+) and Ortiz (124 OPS+).

In reality, the only offensive liability in the Sox lineup is Varitek. Lowell (106 OPS+), Crisp (96 OPS+) and Cora (99 OPS+) have been in the middle of the pack but solid. So even though Drew and Lowell have been flirting with injuries and Ortiz's clicking wrist has everyone nervous, there is a reason the Sox have lead the AL in BA, OBP and OPS for the bulk of the season.

So in terms of position players, I think the Sox have a decided advantage. The Sox have a fearsome middle of the lineup with few automatic outs, while the Rays are a mixed bag.

Down the Stretch

The Sox would also appear to have the easier schedule to close out the season. The Sox play the Rays and the Jays for six games on the road before closing out the season at home against Cleveland and the Yankees. By contrast, Tampa faces a tough home series against Minnesota before finishing with a seven game road trip against Baltimore and Detroit.

What explains, then the secret to the Rays mojo? It appears that some mysterious brew of solid starting pitching, a dominant bullpen, enough offense to scrape by, and a dash of luck. But I feel the same way I did earlier in the season - the fundamentals would seem to favor the Sox. This would appear to be especially true if Beckett and Lowell heat up down the stretch.

You Stay Classy, Spain

2008-08-14T17:38:00.005-04:00

Moving has inhibited my ability to watch much (if any) of the Olympics. But this picture of the Spanish basketball team (including your favorite Eurosoftie Pau Gasol) offering up their culturally sensitive salute to China is truly spectacular.

Thank god for the Olympics. Bringing the world together, to reinforce or shallow stereotypes of one another...

"Hi, I'm trying to reach Scott Boras..."

2008-08-06T13:33:00.006-04:00

After hiking out of the Yosemite wilderness two days ago, I noticed the following text message from my brother flashing on my cell phone: "Ramirez first homer for the Dodgers was crazy".

Having been out of coverage form all media for five days, I was a bit confused. The Cubs traded Aramis Ramirez? The Marlines moved Hanley Ramirez? I mean, there is no possible way that the Bo Sox let Manny go...right?

Err...wrong. Desperate for more information, I quickly flipped to the local California sports station hoping to hear who the Sox had acquired in exchange. Instead, I was subjected to forty five minutes of debate about which of the 49ers "quarterback triumvirate" of Alex Smith, Shaun Hill and JT O'Sullivan should rein supreme.

(Note to radio host guy: I think "triumvirate" is the wrong word to describe the niners QB options. Might I suggest the Defeaterite? The Committee D'Interception? The Knights of Teh Suck Table?)

In any event, now that I am back on the East Coast, the shock has worn off a bit. Manny is a Dodger, and the "Jay Bay" era has officially commenced. Let the unrealistic expectations and premature judgements begin!

I am not going to wade into the debate about whether Bay is an upgrade or downgrade form Manny. I will say, however, that the criticisms of the Bay deal have largely been misplaced. Take Charles Pierce writing in Slate:

"Bay, a talented, Canadian-born Pittsburgh Pirate who, I guarantee you, with his 153 strikeouts per season and his .216 average with men in scoring position this season, has no idea what he's walking into."

I'm not really sure where Pierce pulled his strikeout numbers from. Bay exceeded 150 strikeouts only once in his career in 2006 with 156, a year he also posted 35 HRs, 109 RBIs, had a .928 OPS and led the NL in all-star voting.

Leaving aside the aggregate totals, its not like Bay is particularly strikeout prone. His career AB/SO ratio is 3.8 and this season his AB/SO ratio is 4.5 To put that in context, active players who have a career AB/SO ratio around 4.5 include Andruw Jones, Alfonso Soriano, J.D. Drew, and some guy named Manny Ramirez.

Pierce also cites Bay's currently low AVG with RISP as a potential problem. But everyone knows that this is basically a useless stat. Bay's previous season numbers with RISP were all equivalent to his normal splits; this season is simply an aberration. Plus, if one looks at other clutch splits such as "Late & Close", Bay is doing just fine with a .322 AVG and a 1.091 OPS.

Basically, trying to compare the young, up and coming Bay with the perpetual all-star Ramirez is like comparing apples and a different type of fruit...like mangoes. It depends a lot on which metrics one uses and a lot on whether one is taking a short or long term view.

For my part, I will miss Manny's offense and his antics. He has made watching baseball a whole lot of fun over the past few years. But I think the Red Sox front office, which was by no means blameless for all of this drama, ended up making a pretty good move.

Bristol, Connecticut wins Douchebag USA contest

2008-07-25T08:39:00.008-04:00

I am in the process of moving from Boston to Western Mass, which is one of the reasons why posting has been so light as of late. An additional side effect is that I have cancelled my newspaper subscription and boxed up my old Sporting News magazines, all of which has made me dependent on ESPN for my daily sports updates (I am boycotting the Hazel Mae-less SportsDesk).

Now I know complaining about ESPN is both redundant and futile. SportsCenter hasn't been a respectable show in years. Whether its the Coors Light Six Pack of Shouting, the Gatorade Nu-Metal Ultimate Highlight, or the What to Watch on our ABC Family of Networks™ - the show has gone from being a collection of highlights and witty banter to essentially one long advertisement mixed with bloviating pinheads.

To make matters worse, it seems like every few months the suits in Bristol cook up some promotion to try to raise buzz about the show. A couple of months ago it was the "The Greatest Highlight" contest in which ESPN pitted great inspiring sports moments against one another, all of which would have been pretty okay had ESPN not overdubbed the classic calls with Chris Berman and his tired catchphrases.

ESPN's latest exercise in stupidity is its "Titletown USA" contest, in which fans get to choose which city is the best sports city in America. What exactly is the point of this "award"? Is Titletown USA bequeathed a Stuart Scott commemorative booya?

But more importantly, even if this wasn't one giant popularity contest, what would the criteria be to select Titletown in the first place? It seems highly dependent on your favorite sport. Pro football fans will probably gravitate towards Green Bay or San Francisco. College basketball fans will be boosters of Lawrence or Chapel Hill. If you are going by pro sports championships, New York or Boston are the obvious choices. But if intercollegiate athletics are your bag, Palo Alto or Louisville are both reasonable picks.

The most ludicrous inclusion on the list are high school football towns like Massillon Ohio or Valdosta Georgia. Its not that these teams aren't good or their fans aren't rabid about high school ball. But why these programs selected over the literally hundred of other football obsessed small towns? Why not Oak Park, Illinois or Odessa, Texas? Why not De La Salle High School or Carroll Senior High School? Plus what is the message being sent when the inevitable happens and these small towns loose to some pro-sports metropolis? Its as if ESPN is saying "suck it high school athlete, America thinks you are small fry compared to Detroit or Los Angeles."

In the end, all of this is the sports equivalent of the "who would win a fight between a polar bear and a badger?" game (Hint: the answer is Chuck Norris). But what will they think of next - rank classic sports highlights based on cinematography and sound editing? Choose the next great pro-athlete turned pitchman? (Hint: the answer is Hulk Hogan.)

All I know is that I am boycotting this garbage. Even though Boston is on the list (and may well have a legitimate claim given its multitude of pro championships across all four major sports), I refuse to vote in this trumped up popularity contest.

Choke-i-ness

2008-07-06T19:20:00.006-04:00

Nothing cleanses the pallet more than a couple of well played games against the Spanks. A 7-0 drubbing on Thursday. A solid 6-4 victory on Independence Day. And a frustrating but not out-of-reach squeaker yesterday.

And of course, if the Yankees are being beat, its time for someone in the front office to mouth off. This time, it's Brian Cashman:

"One thing this same offense did last year was know how to score runs, but this year, for some reason, we don't know how to score...We're dreadful with runners in scoring position. It's almost like we've lost our way, for some reason, in this category."

Cashman needs to revisit the stats. With two outs and runners in scoring position, the 2007 Yankees hit .272 with a .357 OBP and a 106 OPS+. In identical situations this season, the Yankees are hitting .265 with a .362 OBP and a 109 OPS+. In other words, the two teams are virtually identical in "clutch" situations, with a slight edge to the more recent vintage.

Part of the reason that the 2007 Spankees may have had the superficial appearance of being more clutch is that they were simply better. They had a higher OBP (.366 to .342) and a higher OPS+ (118 to 105).

Last season's Spanks also hit in more clutch situations. The 2007 Yankees had an average of 4.7 clutch AB per game compared with 4.4 clutch ABs per game so far for this season's club. That may not seem like a whole bunch, but over the course of a 162 game season, it adds an additional 48.6 PAs, roughly 12.8 runs.

The bottom line - the better you are, the more clutch situations you create and the better you perform in those situations. Contra Cashman, the 2008 Yankees aren't chokers, they simply aren't as good.

Cashman's belief in the mystical power of the clutch, yet another reason why "In Theo We Trust."

Sox Swept

2008-07-03T10:29:00.006-04:00

Last night's game was the nadir of the season so far (and no, I don't mean this assclown). In each of the games in this series, the Sox found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I know a just single series, but still it was ugly. Commence rant:

- What is up with the bullpen? In game one, Chris Smith surrenders the go ahead run in the seventh. In game two, Craig Hansen does the same in the eight. But the bullpen saved its best for game three, where Delcarmen and Hansen combined to give up six earned runs without recording an out in the seventh. It was a masterful collapse, a meltdown for the ages, the Sistine Chapel of Turdblossoms.

- What is wrong with Jason Veritek? For his third straight game in a row, the stalwart captain comes to the plate in the ninth with someone on base and he makes an out. And could someone please explain to me how forcing Tek to try the hit and run when he is in a slump is a good thing? Remy kept going on about how Francona is trying to do anything to help "get him started", but surely trying to make contact on a hit and run has to be one of the more difficult plays in baseball, let alone when your batting average is imploding faster than Amy Winehouse.

- Beyond that, what is wrong with the offense? Manny was 1-11 in the series. Lowell was 1-12. The Sox were a combined 3-14 with RISP. Julio Lugo continues to earn his keep as "Señor Automatic Out." The Rays have a good pitching staff sure, but the Sox could sure use some Papi.

- And finally, what is up with Tropicana Field? Is this a baseball stadium or a Disney theme park? Baseball wasn't meant to be played with aquatic animals swimming nearby. Fly balls are not supposed to ricochet off catwalks. Right field lines are not supposed to border standing room party pens filed with rotund middle aged frat boys. Baseball should not be played in air conditioning. Managers should not resemble famous architects. And your team logo should not look like a giant flying vajayjay.

You can boast now Tampa Bay. You can play "Sweet Caroline" after last night's sweep. But at some point (and please G-d make it some point soon), you are destined to regress to the mean. End rant...

The Continuing Saga of Batshit

2008-06-26T07:33:00.001-04:00

Julian Tavarez has opted for free agency rather than accepting an assignment by the Brewers to Triple-A Nashville. In his seven relief appearances for Milwaukee, Batshit was charged with ten runs, seven of them earned. The other three runs scored on a throwing error by Tavarez himself.

But loyal fans of the Brew Crew need not fret! Captain Blownsavebeard is scheduled to make one more rehab start before rejoining the team!

CHB on Schilling

2008-06-25T07:46:00.006-04:00

CHB has written the inevitable Curt Schilling column, filled with faint praise ("he was never boring") and underhanded jabs.

Don't get me wrong - there are things to gripe about when it comes to Schilling, like his tendency towards self-aggrandizement or his political posturing. But instead, CHB blasts Curt for being a celebrity, for talking to radio hosts, and for blogging. He even manages to to take some shots at "blog-boys" and devout Christians along the way.

CHB's main complaint is that the Sox risked $8 million on a 41 year old pitcher. In hindsight, resigning Schilling may have been a mistake. But it is hardly a costly mistake relative to the Sox $133 million payroll. Its only a third of a Clement, right?

CHB's most legitimate question is whether Schilling deserves to go to the Hall of Fame. But his argument is atrocious. CHB claims that Schilling's 216 wins "just doesn't cut it - not unless Bert Blyleven and Jack Morris go in first."

Sigh. Even this tongue-wagging blog-boy knows that wins is an imperfect measure of talent, and career wins is more likely to be a measure of longevity rather than dominance. In terms of career ERA+, Curt posts a 127, equivalent to Hall of Famers Tom Seaver, Bob Gibson, and Goose Gossage (and superior to Blyleven's 118 and Morris' 105). Schilling is also second all time in K/BB, thirteenth all time in K/9 IP, and his 1.137 WHIP is in Catfish Hunter and Bruce Sutter territory.

CHB also claims that "October numbers are somewhat artificial." Fair enough, the fact that teams now play three lengthy series does inflate postseason batting statistics. But doesn't it also make Schilling's 2.23 ERA and 10-2 record that much more impressive? And yes, being part of one of the most memorable incidents in baseball playoff history certainly counts for something.

Bottom line - keep Curt out of Washington, but he belongs in Cooperstown.

Team Clutch

2008-06-25T06:40:00.007-04:00

Entertaining come from behind win last night. If you combine that with Youk's extra inning smash over the weekend, the Sox have had a flair for the dramatic recently.

During the postgame, Caron and Eckersley were making a big deal about how this is already the nineteenth come from behind victory for the Sox this season. Impressive, sure, but is this necessarily a good thing? We can all enjoy the eighth inning mojo of Sweet Caroline, but if your team is routinely playing catch up it usually means (a) you aren't very good in the first place and (b) at some point, your luck will run out and you will regress to the mean (I am looking at you Tampa Bay).

Sabermetric types claim to have refuted the notion that players might be "clutch", but what about teams? Are certain teams more prone to the come from behind than others and does this correlate with overall talent / home field advantage / chicken sacrifices to Jobu?

Other random observations:

- Despite his blurred vision, Youk makes a late appearance as a defensive replacement. That guy is so clutchy.

- Eric Byrnes' porn stache makes a late disappearance.

- Expandicate your vocabulary: "molinas" and "the moyer effect".

The Decline of Western Civilization

2008-06-24T07:18:00.000-04:00

Forget 2Pac versus Biggie! Its RedFace McBasethrower verses

El Homophobe Grande in a gangsta rap battle for the ages!

The Most Overrated Players

2008-06-20T15:36:00.008-04:00

Sports Illustrated polled five hundred major league baseball players to get their opinion on "who is the most overrated player in the league?" The results are equal parts predictable and surprising:

1. Derek Jeter
2. Barry Zito
3. (tie) Alex Rodriguez, J.D. Drew
4. (tie) David Wright, Kevin Youkilis

With Jeter slugging a meager .381 and posting a laughable 93 OPS+, I can't really disagree with the top pick. (Maybe we'll have to redefine "to jeterate"?)

Similarly, the appearance of Zito on the list is no big shocker given his disastrous season - a 6.32 ERA and 1.932 WHIP - not to mention his inflated $14.5 million paycheck. But given that everyone in San Francisco not named Brian Sabean knew the Zito deal was a dog makes it had to claim he was "overrated".

Aside from that, I am pretty surprised by the appearance of Slappy McBluelips and Mr. Roboto in the third spot tie. Whatever you think about his charming personality, A-Rod leads the league in slugging, is fifth in OBP, and has a 178 OPS+. Drew - despite his reported cardiovascular deficiencies - is second in OBP, third in slugging, and has a 170 OPS+. I would say these two are rated just about fine.

I also can't figure out why Wright and Youkilis are on the list. Maybe its because the two are young, up and coming players who get showered with a lot of praise by sabermetric geeks like Bill James? Whatever the reason, its hard to argue with Wright's numbers - .480 slugging, 126 OPS+, on pace for a fourth straight 100+ RBI season. And Youkilis may not be a greek god in the clubhouse showers, but he has been slugging .530 with a 137 OPS+. Also, at $5.2 and $3 million respectively, these guys are steals.

Its hard to take the SI poll too seriously, of course. The players answering the survey are probably defining "overrated" using a "number of Stuart Scott booyas awarded * batting average or W-L record" formula. But if I had to make my top five overrated list, it might look something like this:

1. Richie Sexson: paid $15 million to post a .294 OBP.
2. Andruw Jones: banking $14 million for a 42 OPS+.
3. Roy Oswalt: receiving $13 million in exchange for an abysmal 83 ERA+.
4. Gary Sheffield: Detroit is paying the injury hobbled outfielder approximately $1.1 million for each of his 12 RBIs.
5. Mark Buehrle: raking in $14 million for a decidedly mediocre 101 ERA+, good for a 4-6 record.

Buzz is Back!

2008-06-20T09:50:00.005-04:00

Buzz Bissinger is back! He still believes blogs are "malicious and cruel." He "apologizes" to Will Leitch in the passive voice. He advocates a sportswriter-led coup d'etat to rewrite the constitution.

But the best part of the Boston Phoenix article that features Buzz's antidemocratic ramblings is not the text, but the fantastic illustration by Rob Zammarchi that accompanies the piece. From this photorealistic picture, I learned two things:

1. You can tell a blogger by the swarm of disembodied team logos that flutter around them demanding to be licked

2. Sportswriters receive all of their hot tips from a horde of talking carrier pigeons, who in exchange for information demand tasty buttered popcorn

Game Six Twitters

2008-06-18T12:35:00.010-04:00

The Celtics are WORLD CHAMPIONS! And what a way to do it with a thirty nine point beat down. In a league that has become all about superstars and offense, the Celtics snatched the title the old fashioned way with team basketball, focused defense, and consistent play from a deep bench. Other thoughts:

- Most touching moment of the night had to be KG to Bill Russell: "I hope I made you proud, man."

- Ray Allen ties an NBA finals record with 7 three pointers. Although Pierce walked away with the MVP, Jesus was a consistent force from start to finish of this series

- Eddie's skillz, P.J. Brown's toughness, Powe's hustle, even a Big Baby sighting. How much fun is the Celtic's bench?

- Talk about defensive shut down: Celtics had more steals than the Lakers had field goals in the first half.

- Coming soon to TBS, the new situational comedy "Pau Gasol and the Eurosofties". Sample bit of dialogue:

Gasol: Did you see flop to court? Me play defense.

Vujabitch: Yes! Yes! Me take shot. Three balls for Sasha.

Radmanovich: I must break you.

- Red Auerbach's all time final record remains intact. It was a long time coming, but The Truth reigns supreme.

- Schadenfreude in Boston. Schadenfreude in Memphis.

- Are you ready for a parade?

Rest in Peace: Pandora (1993-2008)

2008-06-17T11:36:00.003-04:00

Last night, our cat Pandora passed away at age fifteen. Although I post eponymously as "Pandyora" on this blog, our brave little cat was not dedicated to cruelty. She was dedicated to snuggles and soft paws. She will be missed.

Abolish Interleague Play

2008-06-17T10:24:00.005-04:00

Even though he is Yankee, you hate to see Chien-Ming Wang injuring himself running the basepaths. Like Crash Davis, I am of the belief that the designated hitter should be abolished, but until that happens, we shouldn't ask pitchers to do things they haven't properly trained for simply so the fans can see novelty match ups.

In related news, did nobody at the Associated Press copyedit the headline "Yankees' Wang injured against Houston"? I mean, why not have published "Yankees' Wang, Tumescent until the Sixth Inning, Wilts after Injury."

Game Five Twitters

2008-06-15T21:35:00.002-04:00

Celtics go down big early but manage to claw their way back. Once again, even though it is a loss, I am optimistic that the Celtics kept it close in a game where you knew the Lakers would play with desperate energy and a number of the Celtics starters were limited by injuries. Other thoughts:

- Jeff Van LegHug on Luke Walton: "he has great basketball IQ, but poor lateral movement," which is a polite way of saying "Luke Walton is a white guy, but he basically sucks."

- Whiney McRapist heaves the ball out of bounds and has the temerity to bitch out Gasol for not rolling off the pick. Maybe Schilling was right.

- Forget about teh suck, that Bill and Luke Walton halftime feature was touching. But if I am playing pickup basketball at the Walton's, I am so picking Larry Bird first.

- With 9:26 left in the 3rd Quarter, the following exchange occurs:

Mike Breen: "Derek Fisher appears to be in some discomfort."

My Wife: "Good! The little bitch!" (awkward pause) "I hope its psychological discomfort."

- It will be good to be home. Assuming the plane ever gets here.

Game Four Twitters

2008-06-13T09:16:00.005-04:00

Greatest comeback ever or greatest choke ever? Other thoughts:

- Farmar's off kilter buzzer beater at the end of the first half was pretty much indicative of everything that went wrong in the first half

- Ray Allen driving at will past a flat footed Vujabitch was pretty much indicative of everything that went right in the second half

- My wife - a feminist and all around enlightened women - turns to me in the second quarter and declares: "Derek Fisher is a little bitch." Yes, yes he is.

- How many WEEI callers will be calling for Doc Rivers' head today? Coach's decision to go small and spread the floor with Posey and House was inspired.

- Garnett finally realizes that he has a post up game to go along with his mid-range jumper

- Whiney McRapist explaining how the Lakers will bounce back from the lost: "Whine about it, a lot of wine, a lot of beer, a couple of shots, maybe like 20 of them, digest it, get back to work. Northing you can do." In related news, Kobe Bryant found dead this morning in an apparent case of alcohol poisoning.

Inspirational Rays

2008-06-12T14:14:00.002-04:00

Inspired by a recent series of posts over at FireJoeMorgan:

Old School Honkeys of the NBA: Rik Smits

2008-06-12T13:35:00.005-04:00

Back in middle school, we used to play pick-up basketball with this awkwardly tall, slightly oafish looking white guy from Indiana. Not surprisingly, his nickname was Rik Smits.

The inspiration for my friend's nom de guerre played his entire career with the Indiana Pacers, averaging 14.8 points as the Pacers' second all-time leading scorer.

Although the "Dunking Dutchman" towered 7'4" tall, he only managed to average 6.1 rebounds per game, a career mark matched by other notable centers like Jason Kidd, Clyde Drexler and Luol Deng.

Since his retirement, Smits has been perfecting his awkward whiteness by pursuing a career in competitive motocross and attending Marist College alumni reunions.

Bonus circle of whiteness: during the 1989/90 and 1992/93 seasons, Smit suited up alongside Detlef Schrempf.

[Note: this post is part of an on-going series highlighting the achievements of painfully-white white basketball players]

The Final Straw...

2008-06-12T12:21:00.004-04:00

So Schilling's blog post was a bit inane, but did Whiney McRapist really need to respond to it with this:

"You're asking for my response to it?" said Bryant. "Go Yankees."

Game Three Twitters

2008-06-11T08:51:00.000-04:00

I know I should be deflated by this loss, but even in a game where Pierce and Garnett are relatively silent, the Celtics team defense keeps them in the game. Plus, given the struggles Allen was having earlier in the playoffs, its nice to seem him stepping up. Other thoughts:

- Why is it that when Rondo goes down with a potentially serious ankle injury, that I suddenly get very very nervous about the "skillz" of Eddie House?

- P.J. Brown to Farmar: "Kid, I've pooped out turds tougher than you."

- The marketing team responsible for the Incredible Hulk needs to realize that the more we see of this movie, the more it looks like it is going to suck.

- Speaking of teh suck, how about that Luc Walton air ball?

- Between Vujacic and Radmanovic, any chance Bush will deploy vowels to the Staples Center?

Shocker! Phil Jackson is whining

2008-06-09T19:37:00.007-04:00

Yeah, I know this isn't shocking news, but the "Zen Master" coach (who has a talent for coaching talented players) is whining about the officiating again. This time he is complaining about the foul differential in Game 2.

What garbage. As a poster noted on King Kaufman, as of 5:56 left in the 4th Quarter, the Lakers had committed 23 fouls, the Celtics 21. The Celtics took advantage of these fouls, shooting more free throws, but it was not as if the officials were blowing their whistles only in the Celtics favor.

But more importantly, what exactly is the explanation for why the Lakers shot so few free throws? It seems to me that there are a couple of possibilities:

(1) the Celtics were playing a more aggressive style of basketball and thus drawing more fouls

(2) the referees were subconsciously biased in favor of the Celtics because of the home court, their nice white jerseys or some other nebulous factor

(3) David Stern has installed buzzers in the referee's pants which go off every time a Laker player breathes on Ray Allen

Seems to me that Leon POW! kept going to the free throw line because he was hustling up and down the court and snagging rebounds. But never underestimate David Stern...

Game 2 Twitters

2008-06-09T00:02:00.006-04:00

The Celtic's defensive collapse at the end of the fourth quarter was alarming, but a couple of clutch free throws seal the deal. Bring on the Staples Center and those arrive late, leave early Lakers fans. Other thoughts:

- Whiney McRapist getting T'ed up for bitching about touch fouls. That is irony.

- Hidden Powe comes up big with 21 points, including a series of breathtaking dunks to close out a mega third quarter.

- Every time Rondo passes up an open jump shot, a puppy dies.

- People often say that Pau Gasol is Kobe's Scottie Pippen. What a huge insult to Gasol.

- As much as I love out-of-bounds hustle plays, Odom spiking the ball on a prone P.J. Brown was busch league.

- Overheard in Cambridge: "Driving that train, high on cocaine, why does my Luke continue to bring teh suck."

Old School Honkeys of the NBA: Jeff Hornacek

2008-06-07T10:04:00.005-04:00

It is a tall task to be the most awkward white guy on the court when suiting up with the likes of John Stockton and Greg Ostertag. Fortunately, Jeff Hornacek was up to the task.

King of the short pants, pride of the pasty thighs, "Horny" was a pure shooting guard. He shot a career 40.3% from beyond the arc, at one point setting an NBA record for 8 consecutive three-pointers in a single game.

Hornacek is probably best remembered for stroking his face three times before every free throw attempt - allegedly a tribute to this three kids, but a habit that ironically made him look like a child molester. The creepy routine worked, however. Horny was a career 87.7% free throw shooter, good for twelfth highest in NBA history.

[Note: this post is part of an on-going series highlighting the achievements of painfully-white white basketball players]

Game 1 Twitters

2008-06-06T00:10:00.005-04:00

I had intended to do a thorough finals preview, involving extensive sabermetric breakdowns of the individual matchups. But the real world intervened, so instead, some random thoughts:

- Paul Pierce...Willis Reed or Drama Queen? Who cares, that four point play was brilliant.

- Half Court violations the decider? Gasol gets penalized by a bogus half court violation call. Kevin Garnett dives for a jaw dropping half court ball save.

- Crouching Brown, Hidden Powe...one makes fantastic hustle plays on defense, the other pounds the offensive glass.

- Space Alien Sighting! Cassell, hot in the first half, jacking up ill advised shots in the second.

- Do you think the marijuana addled brain of Bill Walton notices when his son brings teh suck?

- Phil Jackson - the proclaimed "master of the strategic time out" by Jeff Van LegHug - can't get his team to foul when they are down by three possessions with under a minute to go?

- Celtics win!

Bermuda Triangle at Fenway

2008-06-05T23:58:00.005-04:00

Four questions for the faithful:

1. Coco Crisp as a welterweight boxer?

2. Jacoby twisting his wrist on a webgem?

3. Manny and Youk jawing in the dugout?

4. Sweeping the "hot young team"...worth it?

Old School Honkeys of the NBA: Detlef Schrempf

2008-06-03T07:13:00.001-04:00

With an unpronounceable German name and a horrible flattop haircut, Detlef Schrempf was the epitome of the white European basketball import during the mid-1990s.

Although a small forward, "the Grand Teuton" was a beast from downtown. He was a career 38.4% from behind the arc, making an impressive 51.4% of his three-point attempts during the 1994-1995 season.

Not only did Schrempf pave the way for future Eurotrash superstars like Dirk Nowitzki and Andrei Kirilenko, he also inspired Seattle's Band of Horses to write a love song in his honor.

With the Sonics set to leave Seattle, we have probably seen the last of Schrempf.

[Note: this post is part of an on-going series highlighting the achievements of painfully-white white basketball players]

Bring on the Finals Hype

2008-05-31T13:25:00.012-04:00

Great game last night, and once again it was the Celtics role players who came up big. Posey with the epic last minute steal. Perkins with the seven boards and two blocked shots. Rondo actually pulling up for a jump shot rather than passing off every time he had an open look. Even the international man of mystery Leon Powe got some high impact playing time, making a nice defensive play to force a 24 second violation in his first series on the floor.

The emotional highlight was seeing Celtics great John Havlicek presenting the championship trophy and then helping Paul Pierce to lead a "Beat LA! Beat LA!" chant. Priceless.

The big story, of course, is that the Lakers and Celtics are meeting in the NBA finals for the first time since the glory days of the 1980s. I am sure I will be sick of the hype by sometime tomorrow afternoon, but as a someone who grew up on Bird versus Magic, I am looking forward to the endless video montages of sky hooks, clotheslines, short shorts, and bedlam at the Garden that we will be inundated with over the next few days.

As is historian of the game Kobe Bryant, who was quoted back in November: "I hated those [expletives]...I couldn't stand them man. Are you kidding me? Bird. McHale. Ainge. Ainge was like a little pest, man. I couldn't stand that guy."

Tickets go on sale Monday.

Obligatory Fan Hubris Post

2008-05-30T15:22:00.006-04:00

Rasheed Wallace goes cuss crazy and is slammed with a $25,000 fine by the NBA. One more technical and Sheed will be suspended for game seven.

Rip Hamilton's "golden arm" is a tender. His return is questionable for Game 6.

Ray Allen is heating up; a couple more big three and he'll be on fire.

Grab your legwarmers and roll up your pastel sleeves dudes and dudettes, its time for the 80s Flashback Finals! Nothing could go wrong? This is in the bag, right?

The Return of the Speedy Sox

2008-05-29T19:53:00.011-04:00

As MLB.com highlighted the other day, Jacoby Ellsbury is currently on pace to steal 58 bases this season, which would set a Boston Red Sox record by passing Tommy Harper's 1974 mark of 54 bags. The 2008 Sox have already stolen a total of 42 bases. Compare this with 2005 and 2006, where the Sox stole 45 and 51 bags over the course of the entire season.

This speediness is out of the ordinary for the Red Sox. Aside from Harper, the only recent Red Sox to tear up the base paths was Otis Nixon, who stole 42 bases during the strike shortened 1994 season.

Most of the remaining single season stolen base records were set in the dead ball era by the "Million Dollar Outfield". The Sox speedster during this period was the famous Tris Speaker. The "Grey Eagle" holds the 2nd through 4th spots on the all time Sox list having stole 52 bags in his 1912 MVP season, 46 in 1913, and 42 in 1914. Speaker's teammate Harry Hooper holds the all time Red Sox record for total stolen bases with 300 stolen bases.

Its important to remember, of course, that stolen bases are not as valuable today as they were in the dead ball era and that teams that are effective at stealing bases are not necessarily effective at generating runs, but it is still entertaining to watch a team with some collective speed on the base paths.

Superstitions

2008-05-29T19:26:00.016-04:00

According to the media, Boston sports fans are a very superstitious lot. We believe in curses. We hex our rivals by burying baseball jerseys in concrete. We think Brazilian supermodels jinx our teams.

Normally, I dismiss all of this as silly coincidence. But Cursed to First noticed an interesting numerical coincidence involving Manny Ramirez's chase for 500 home runs:

when Manny hits that 500th homer, he will become the 24th member of that club. He is also currently ranked 24th on the all time homers list. Finally, if he breaks Gehrig's grand-slam record, it will be by hitting a 24th granny. Meanwhile the man's been playing for years with a huge 24 on his back.

Maybe Manny will do it tomorrow night against Daniel Cabrera who has given up 24 earned runs in his last ten games. Coincidence? The tingling in my right knee tells me its DESTINY!

In Flagrante

2008-05-29T17:59:00.008-04:00

During last nights Celtics game, ESPN announcers Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy had a lengthy discussion of what constitutes a flagrant foul. They then went on to debate how many angels dance on the head of a pin.

I am tempted to join in the bellyaching because the Celtics have been victims of a couple of dubious flagrant foul calls this post season. Last night, it was P.J. Browns supposed push on Jason Maxiell as he was in mid-air. In the Cleveland series, Sam Cassell was whistled for wrapping up LeBron James. The call prompted our favorite Extra Terrestrial to complain to the Globe: "It's just different right now...Back in the day, a flagrant-1 was bloodshed. Now, you can just grab somebody."

This might be so. Celtics fan all remember the infamous Bill Laimbeer cheapshot on Larry Bird - now that was a flagrant foul! But I did some checking and the number of flagrant fouls called his year does not seem to be out of the ordinary:

2005-2006 2006-2007 2007-2008

First Round 14 6 12

Conference Semis 1 6 4

Conference Finals 3 1 1

NBA Finals 1 1 tbd

So while it is easy to moan about how flagrant fouls allow the refs to "take the game out of the hands of the players", there appears to be (on average) about 1.5 of these calls per series. This is hardly enough to make a huge difference (unless, of course, you leave the bench during a brawl).

Batshit Update

2008-05-29T16:37:00.021-04:00

Julian Tavarez pitched a scoreless eight inning Tuesday night for the Brewers. Said Batshit: "It doesn't matter if I'm a long man, a setup man, a closer. As long as we play ball, I don't care what role that I am."

Apparently, this enthusiasm for the game doesn't apply to his post-season accomplishments. Tavarez reportedly left his $20,000 World Series Ring "somewhere" back at Fenway. Batshit clarified: "They are going to mail to me, I'm sure."

Assuming Gagne ever recovers from rotator cuff tendinitis, there is the distinct possibility that the Brewers could sending the one-two punch of Batshit and Captain Blownsavebeard out of the pen.

Expandicate Your Vocabulary

2008-05-29T15:37:00.006-04:00

From Joe Posnanski:

"Jeterate" (verb) meaning: "to praise someone for something of which he or she is entirely unworthy of praise."